Monday, May 7, 2018

Something Feels Different

(Note: I began to write this a couple of days ago.)

I retrieved some of my things today.  However, I have to say that something feels different.

There were no tears.

There were no arguments and I told the kids to take care of their mother.  I love those two kids more than my own life, okay?  I'd die for them.

I have no idea what she felt that day, and I refuse to speculate.  However, this does not feel like a normal break up.  I know that she did cry on the phone prior-and that's not how it usually goes when love still exists.

Romantic relationships either end with anger or sadness after love has faded.  While she did cry one or two days ago, she didn't today.  We even spoke alone briefly-and nothing negative happened.

There's a lot going on, and I have to step back from her, as per her wishes at this time.  I'm going to step back, leave her alone, and see what happens.  It's not my call this time-and I accept that.  Those kids come first.  Her life comes first.  Her peace comes first.

She knows that I have always been there for her, and I always will be in sense or another, as she is a good woman.  She does not deserve the stress she is currently under.

As for myself, a break up usually paralyzes me for weeks, but not this one.

It's not because I don't care.  It's because something feels different about this one.

I don't feel a desperate need to hold on as I had in the past.  I don't feel numb (although I did yesterday).  The numbness inside me lasts for extended periods of time when something ends, but not this time-for some reason.

She has things she needs to do and I have things that I need to do.  Both of our lives need renovation, as she has experienced Hell for an extended period of time, and I came into her life during one of those moments-by mere chance.

There are some things which I am struggling with-especially spiritually.  I'm being pulled in every dimension.  However, I cannot force this.  I cannot do anything at this point-and that's hard for me to accept.  However, for her sake and for the sake of her kids, that's what has to be-because THEY come first.

Her peace comes first.

It's All I Ever Wanted To Be

Isn't it funny how American parents ruin the lives of their children?

THIS was all I ever wanted to be when I was in high school.  I figured that only losers wore ties-and I still do.

I had long hair (until my mom made me get it cut-but I'd just grow it again), I played rhythm guitar, sang lead, and grew up and still lived in Los Angeles.

KNAC was the radio station of the entire heavy metal universe, and my best friend and I would practice late into the night until we hit the streets looking for a good time, which consisted of playing video games at the liquor store (past legal curfew).  We would then go back to his mom's house around one in the morning and compose lyrics-with bands like Kiss, W.A.S.P., Judas Priest, and Iron Maiden playing the background.

By the way, I never told my mother where the hell I was.  I figured I could always call her collect if anything went wrong-which nothing ever did.

I wanted to look just like Blackie Lawless; fringed boots, leather pants, hair down to the middle of my back, and the speeding tickets to match-in my new Chevrolet Corvette.

Back when we formed the band in 1985, I told him about some ideas for the stage show; that we would be set ablaze by lightning strike and that I would literally fly over 100 feet in the air above the audience via mechanical wings.  Sure, Gene Simmons of Kiss spewed fire and Mick Mars of Motley Crue had his legs set ablaze, but I wanted to outdo both of them.

I wanted to set ablaze by lightning strike.  The only band to beat that would be GWAR (God What An Awful Racket)./

As you can tell, we never got a record deal.  The lead guitarist still plays, as do I.  He's a family man now, and I would like to be one day.  The funny thing is that I'm actually surprised that I have lived this long, as I wanted to live a life of excess insanity to match the intense depression I felt in those days.

Whether or not we would have made it would have been anyone's guess.  We had the same odds as any the other jackballs in Los Angeles, California.  I still have the pipes to belt out any note I wish from my lungs and my axe skills have improved (ya think?) since those days, but this is all I ever wanted to be.  And if you ask if we did drugs, I'm afraid I'll just have to challenge you to a duel.  Your pistol, of course, will be empty-much to your surprise.  People have asked me that question since the 1980s and I don't put up with it anymore.

See the source image

I guess I'll have to find another way get that fistful of diamonds-make that two fistfulls of diamonds!